I’ve been busy. And when I say that, I mean it in every possible way.

But here’s the thing: “busy” isn’t always synonymous with being productive. I’ve come to realize that the pace of life has led me to cut down on some things. Yet, I can’t help but notice that it’s not about removing them altogether; it’s simply about reshuffling them, finding a different place in my schedule, and having a better time to give them attention.

This trial and error of figuring out routines, especially when external factors come into play, is almost cliché. But as I reflect, could I say that being a special needs parent adds an entirely new dimension to that? The constant balancing act of being both present for my child and managing everything else is something that shifts the game entirely.

This all started to hit home after that pivotal “What If” moment—the recommendation opportunity I received from the University of Madinah at the close of last year. It’s not my nature to dwell on things left behind, but that one moment of possibility left a deep mark on me. It became a key part of my New Year’s introspection, where I reflected on everything that had brought me here.

Now that Muharram is here, I feel as if I’ve finally come to a clearer understanding of things. Sure, it still feels hectic, but I think I have it all figured out, even if I can’t exactly explain why.

Pursuing Islamic Studies was never something I envisioned for myself. If you had told my teenager or even my 20s self that I would be on this path, I would have laughed. Not because I wasn’t interested, but because I could never imagine how I would fit into that world. Yes, I am a revert, and perhaps that adds a layer of complexity, but I could honestly say that I’m almost 99% the polar opposite of who I was a decade ago.

This year, I feel the change. It’s almost as though something deep within me knew that the dots would eventually connect. That the picture would come into focus. It’s as though everything was meant to be. I can’t fully pinpoint when, where, or how this transformation took place, but it feels like the final piece of a puzzle has clicked into place.

I still feel like me, but if you could take me back to the person I was in my younger years, I wouldn’t even recognize myself. Who I am now is a reflection of growth, of choices, of a life led by intention—yet, still wrapped in mystery.

And, no, coffee hasn’t re-entered my life. Perhaps that’s one of the major differences now. I never realized how much I relied on caffeine to get me through the second half of the day. Without it, I find myself unusually tired, drained even, but this too is part of the new chapter. I feel the exhaustion of growth, of change.

As much as I yearn to feel like myself again, my body is in a constant state of readjustment. My sleep pattern is all over the place, and the chronic respiratory issues that have lingered since COVID continue to impact my days.

But life, as it always does, moves on. We find a way to adapt and keep going, no matter how tough things get.

I can’t help but vent. There’s a part of me that is just frustrated, tired of dealing with technical hurdles that keep threatening my progress. It was a close call when I almost lost all my files from my external hard drive—dealing with Ubuntu is no easy feat. And don’t even get me started on WordPress and their endless connectivity issues with my blog app. XMLRPC errors, anyone? For those in the know, you get it. For the rest, let’s just say it’s one of those things that should just work.

It seems like the very tools I depend on keep failing me at the worst possible times, and it’s disheartening. Why create an open-source platform with such security flaws? Why is something that should be simple and straightforward so unnecessarily complicated?

Beats me.
I don’t know.
And I don’t care anymore.

But then again, I can’t let these frustrations hold me back. Life doesn’t wait. And neither can I.

So, I move forward. I’ll continue blogging like I always have—20 years of words, thoughts, and reflections. The world around me may be changing, Instagram now has Threads, copying Twitter like it’s no big deal, but I’ll keep doing what I do.